Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣

Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.