Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

My flabber has been gasted.

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!