Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”