Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

Battery falling down a hole

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”

Me: “Wait, what do they say?”

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death