Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.