Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
You Might Also Like
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
😂😂
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.