Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.