heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
gentlemen, hear me out
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
kitchen magnet
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer