Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
You Might Also Like
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.