Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
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[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.