Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
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Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
