Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…

My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

My dress code is business-casualty.