Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
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He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.