Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
You Might Also Like
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
December birthdays be like…
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate