Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
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this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Okay me first
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
me after i passed that state trooper
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”