Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
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So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine