Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me:

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

Why you on this flight to LA?

“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”

What’s it called?

“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.