Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
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DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”