Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
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If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead