Heard this in a movieā¦
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. š
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Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep āem out.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipationā¦until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
If youāve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, youāve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
My girl knows Iād never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I donāt forget
Gift cards: the best way to say āHere. You figure it out.ā
My husband said we should have a ādate nightā
I wonder why he didnāt like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now Iām half man, half jar.
Iām not a professional photographer, Iām just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
My coworkerās nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for whatās about to happen here
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the libraryās books
Friend: why canāt you just say āIām readingā
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is āWill you please stop that?ā
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Donāt be alarmed when youāre knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesnāt answerā¦.He is dealing with me.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (thatās what I named my new Lego set)
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then itās about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Showering at a womanās house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if youāre mad at them, always answer āI donāt know.ā
Me: Iām on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine