Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

how much for the angry fruit?

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?