Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
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I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Buck naked
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
My god she’s good.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume