Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?