Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
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Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
nyc:
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together