Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

When I snag the last meatball.

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law