Heard this in a movieā¦
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. š
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Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesnāt really think your choice was excellent.
Sugar in the bloodstream, Iām the worldās problem now.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Petition to change the term āTwitter Crushā to Tweetheart.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than youād think
Itās Motherās Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
āHow much for this toaster?ā
āAn arm & a leg.ā
āHow about a leg & 2 fingers?ā
āA leg & 3 fingers.ā
āDeal!ā
ā Cannibal Pawn Stars
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Perfection.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: Weāre having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: ā¦dammit
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: Iām gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like weāve got a real Mexican stand-off
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, āwhatās churchā
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
Oh, those stick figures on your car arenāt for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe weāre with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death Stā¦ to the ship.
normalize asking bartenders if theyāve āheard any rumours latelyā so they can give you a fun little side quest
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Me: Whatās for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see theyāre each writing Facebook posts about it
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Iām not saying my sonās basketball team is really bad. Iām typing it.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.