Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. đ
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doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: iâm gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause itâs super green. I think sheâll like it.
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
âPapa, Kanye Hear Me?â
âKanye Feel the Love Tonightâ
âI Am a Few of My Favorite Thingsâ
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
This is so wrong đ
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Iâve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and Iâve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? đ
CanâtâŚtoo busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. âWhy do you have a license!!!!â
âMy dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morningâ is, apparently, not a good response to âWhy are you late?â and âWhy do you only have makeup on one eye?â
If you canât disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanationâŚwere they really your friends in the first place?
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels