Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

_ _ _ _ _

The category is “Down on the Farm.”

Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”

Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.

Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

Classic German Shepherd 😂

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

The median voter

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.