heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
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The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.