Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
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My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
me, too, girl. me, too.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times