Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

feeling cute. might rob a bank later.

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

The prophecy is fulfilled

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?