Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

a McRib killed my tapeworm

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire