Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
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where’s Godzilla when we need him
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
You’re never alone. Theres mold
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?