Dentist’s steal teeth for the tooth fairy money. There, I said it.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
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Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
i watched a bunch of spy movies and developed this extremely accurate FBI floorplan
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.