@SnarkyMommy78

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

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@freefanaddict

Dentist’s steal teeth for the tooth fairy money. There, I said it.

@weinerdog4life

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

@caithuls

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

@E_lok44

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

@KyleMcDowell86

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

@_Mo_lee_

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

@monicaheisey

i watched a bunch of spy movies and developed this extremely accurate FBI floorplan

@brianbowman73

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.