Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
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Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅Just ticking off my bucket list.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
