Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

Not now. I’m deglazing.

[phone rings]

CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer

ME: ?!?

CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.