Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

imagine getting destroyed like this

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

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