Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

Did…did a minotaur write this

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when