Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.