[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
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Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.