[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
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Meow?
Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
My age is news to me every single time I remember
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker