Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.