Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.

Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.