Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
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Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing