Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.