Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

“That’s what” – She

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

When I laugh on my period

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.