Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

#Caturday

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

u spoke cat all this time??????

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet