[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
You Might Also Like
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Lmfao
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”