Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

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Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.