Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

oh u like geography? name every lake

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”

– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*

Everyone naked?

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured