Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
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Potatoes were such a good idea
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “