*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
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i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.