*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
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My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I thought this was funny lol
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.