Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…

Not with that attitude

I’ve been drinking.

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

🎵 I can’t wait to

181.

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course