Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”

Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?