Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

You can’t rush stupid.

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.