@Jeffwni

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

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@sass_slinger

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

@jwoodham

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

@KevinFarzad

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

@Jake_Vig

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

@Inferno_V

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

@MarfSalvador

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

@BoogTweets

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

@KentWGraham

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.