Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
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You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.