[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
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The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
same bro
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!