[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
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Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.