[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
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Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
LOL
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Me when I’m ovulating
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*