Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

😂

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?

Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”

Person: *laughing*

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen