Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Good morning ☺️

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

Monday?
No. Next question.

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.