Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
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“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Milk toast was probably named by same lazy guy that named the fireplace and waterfall.
Change is hard, especially the nickel.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Coworker: My husband’s an angel.
Me: You’re lucky.. mine’s still alive.
Woman: The bees are dying.
random male: I don’t know what kind of men YOU hang out with but I’M not killing bees.