@ThoughtOtter

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

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@prufrockluvsong

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

@EndhooS

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

@KaysNH

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

@markydoodoo

Milk toast was probably named by same lazy guy that named the fireplace and waterfall.

@hasht4g

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

@prufrockluvsong

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

@Wussawilla

Coworker: My husband’s an angel.
Me: You’re lucky.. mine’s still alive.

@awesomelocks

Woman: The bees are dying.

random male: I don’t know what kind of men YOU hang out with but I’M not killing bees.