*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working