*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
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Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.