Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help

me: we got our own problems

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

me when the borders lift

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”