{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
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Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?