{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
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ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Just this preview of the story is enough
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead