[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
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Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.