Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money

me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?

US: lmao

me: ?

US: are you serious

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.

What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!

Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!

Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.

But I looked rad AF.

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

These are so Plastic Man-core

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.