Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

was Jim off killing horses or…

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.