[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
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chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
this is what they would have looked like, though
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.