* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
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HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Cause of death: Zumba
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.