* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
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The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees