*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
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“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Made horrible tea.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
When I’m with you, I’m breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body getting hot. Also, you’re a treadmill and I’m asthmatic.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
My son finally overcame his fear and rode his bike without training wheels two weekends ago. Tonight he is googling dirt bikes and ATV’s because apparently he thinks he’s hardcore now
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.